Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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