you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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