Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
