Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
