You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
