True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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