On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i want to swaddle you in tequila
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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