Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
