you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Hippo gnu deer
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
