Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize