Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
