WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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