I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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