he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
