he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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