i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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