I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The air was thick with penises
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
