My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
