I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
