this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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