Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
