Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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