I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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