Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I love you. Go after that dick
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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