He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
where are you?
Hypothermia
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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