I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
