I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
