Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
