My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
