oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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