More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Randomize
