i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
