i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
