I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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