Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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