i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize