Got a toothbrush?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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