i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
