after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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