Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
