i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
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