I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
