she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
