WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
