you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
whose parrot is this?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize