i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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