I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
