The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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