Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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