I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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