i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
