Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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