You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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