I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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