just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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