There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
