I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
