One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
