We named our party play list daddy issues
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
