Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
